Ep. 2: The Cost of Being Inauthentic

In episode 2, Cheryl opens up about the cost of self-abandonment: losing her voice, her identity, and eventually her marriage, and what it took to find her way back to herself.

In This Episode:

• The question Cheryl asks that reveals how much of "you" is actually just a role
• How self-abandonment happens slowly, one dismissed moment at a time
• The belief that kept her accepting less than she deserved, and why it wasn't true
• Her decision in 2023 to leave her marriage and start over
• What healing actually required: no numbing, no rebounds, no looking for someone else to fix her
• Why knowing your core values acts as a compass when you lose your way
• The real cost of losing yourself: losing access to your own gifts

If this episode spoke to something in you, hit follow so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you know someone who needs a reminder that they're allowed to come home to themselves, send this one their way.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Hello. Welcome to Fire and Fairy Dust, The Long Way Back. My name is Cheryl Apple, and today I want to talk about the cost of being inauthentic. The cost of self-abandoning, really. If I were to ask you to describe yourself in three words, what would those three words be? And if you were to think about those words, how many of them reflect a role you have or a role you've been given? And how many of them reflect who you actually are? A few years ago, I found myself looking in the mirror and having no idea who the woman was that was looking back at me. I was existing, but I was not living. I'm a mom and I have always and will always adore my child. And it hurts to say this, but I wasn't showing up for him the way that he deserved. I was watching life pass me by. I couldn't show up for him the way he deserved, the way I deserved to show up for myself, because I had completely lost all of who I was while trying to show up the way that I thought I was supposed to for other people. And this was happening in every area of my life, obviously, including motherhood. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and at the end of the day, I had nothing left in the tank to give. And the feelings of joy and excitement were hard to come by. I obviously felt joy when I was with my son, but I also felt exhaustion because emotionally I was just completely drained. And it wasn't because I didn't love or wasn't grateful for those who were around me. It was because our zest for life is intrinsic. It comes from inside us, not from other people. So it doesn't matter how amazing the people are around you if you don't have that inner love, that inner knowing, that inner appreciation for yourself. And because I didn't have that, because I completely lost who I was, I had lost my zest. And it didn't happen all at once. When I look back, it was a very long process. It happened very slowly over time. It happened every time I spoke up and I was dismissed, and I chose not to speak up again. It happened every time I shared my opinion or needs, and they were either dismissed or briefly acknowledged. And then it would go back to kind of how it was before, and I let it slide. Because I knew that I had a history of mental health. And so I thought I should just be grateful. You see, at one point along my journey, I was diagnosed with CPTSD, and I was very sick. And I thought that that made me less valuable. And I don't think that now, but I thought that at the time. Yes, people can be dismissive, people can be rude, people can say or do what they want to say and do. But nobody said I couldn't stand up for myself. That was me. I did that. And that part, that was really hard for me to admit that no matter, you know, what happened at work or at home or in friendships or anywhere in my life, I always had a say in my response. Not I'm not talking so much as a child, I'm talking in my adult life. And so when I realized that, well, I had to take some responsibility. And this isn't, you know, me tearing myself down. This is me reminding myself at this point when I had realized this of the control I actually had in those types of situations. I had convinced myself that there was nothing I could do about it. And that's just simply not true. Now I was using the skills and knowledge that I had at the time to do the best that I could. And then when we learn better, we do better, right? But I believe that part of the reason I didn't speak up was because when I if I did speak up, if I did push, well, then I am also noticed more, seen more. And what if people then realized, oh wait, she she has a history of mental health. She's just being, you know, she's just being Cheryl. She's just being dramatic. But that just wasn't true. But I had convinced myself it was, right? That's kind of what we do to ourselves sometimes. But the cost of this, the cost of muting my own to intuition, turning a blind eye to my own needs, was that I became a shell of a person. I was literally a chameleon. I would blend in two areas in the way that I needed to to survive. And anyone who's been through um difficulties or traumas throughout their life has probably done the same. It's a survival mechanism, right? It's a tactic that we use to make sure we read the room and then know who we need to become in order to survive that room. And our nervous system, our brains, can do it in seconds. But who we become to survive that room is not usually anywhere near who we actually are. And so when you do that over and over and over again, eventually it all blends together and you completely forget who you actually are. And so I had no substance, no depth, no passion, no real opinions, no conviction. How could I? And you know that saying, if you stand for nothing, you fall for everything, right? If you don't know what you value, if you don't know your worth, you fall for everything. And boy, did I ever. I fell hard over and over and over, and I trusted others that I shouldn't have. And I begged for friendships, and I even undervalued my own education and professional experience based on the opinions of others. I knew it had to change because where I was headed was not an option. Nothing was going to improve without change. And so in 2023, I ended my marriage and I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment. And my child would sleep in the bed when he was with me, and I would sleep on the couch when he was there. So for those three years, I mostly slept on the couch. And although that time has been extremely painful, I wouldn't change a thing. Because the woman who's come out of the out of the other side of that situation is the complete opposite of the woman who went in. When I left, I dedicated myself to fully healing in the healthiest way that I knew how. And I knew it wouldn't be perfect. I don't think I knew how hard it was gonna be. I definitely didn't know how much it was gonna hurt. But I knew it needed to be done. And that meant no alcohol, no other substances, no rebound relationships, and most importantly, no looking for other people to fix me. We do that, right? We look to the outside world to heal us. And the outside world can't because it doesn't have the answers. We can connect with people who will guide us, we can connect with therapists and have coffee with friends, but ultimately, the healing, the work, the change, that's on us. So I knew if I was gonna be the mother that I knew I wanted to be and that my son deserved, and the person that I know that I can be, then it was time to face all of it. From birth to 2023 and beyond, it was time to kind of weed through the the muck. And so I did. And here's a bit of what I've learned so far. No matter how you show up, whether it's how you think you're supposed to show up, or how you have been told you should show up, or as you, fully and authentically, there are going to be people who doubt you. You're going to doubt yourself, and there are going to be people who don't accept you. There will be times when you struggle to accept yourself, even. And there will be many times when you don't fit in. But all of those things happen no matter how you show up. So if all the social results are basically the same, no matter how we show up, and the consequences of not showing up as ourselves are awful, why the hell should we show up as anything other than ourselves? That just doesn't make sense. Because the thing that happens when we show up authentically, that doesn't happen nearly as much, if at all, if we don't, is actual joy. Our zest for life, our skill set, our intuition, our inner connection that leads us to the path that we came here to walk in the first place. There's only one way to that path, and people pleasing and undervaluing who we are is not the way. I can promise you that because I tried for a really long time. One of the biggest costs of all for everyone, though, I think, is that losing ourselves impacts our ability to share our most valuable gifts with others. Think about it. If we're not in touch with who we are, what we value and what we what brings us joy, what lights us up, how are we supposed to know what our gifts even are? Because one thing's for sure, each person has their own gift. That one area where they excel and they bring something to that space in a way that cannot be duplicated, no matter how hard someone tries. It doesn't have to be in a career. It can be in friendships, our parenting, you name it. But how are we supposed to know what that is if we have no idea who we are because ourself is hidden under who we think others want us to be? So where do you start? Well, you start with the basics, right? What are your core values? What actually matters to you? And this isn't, you know, groundbreaking information, the val the values uh, you know, exercise, I guess you could call it. It's been used for years for a reason. So values are things like honesty, loyalty, integrity. Most people don't know what their top ten values are. I didn't know. But they're important because they act like a compass when we lose our way. When we veer off the path that we're hoping to walk, because we are human and we will veer off. Those things, those values, can help lead you back. But if you don't know what they are, well, where's your compass? And they can change over time, right? So your values right now compared to your values 20 years ago, compared to your values 20 years from now, they're completely different, I'm sure. Some might remain the same. But things change. There's we're supposed to change. We're not supposed to remain the same. The thing is, but being authentic in the world that we're living in today is actually terrifying. And there's gonna be a lot of times, and there have been a lot of times for me when you want to turn back, when you wanna just say, okay, I'll just do what the world's telling me to do, right? I'll think the way that I'm supposed to think. And you can't see me, but I did, you know, the air quotes. Um, because going your own way, it's really hard. And sometimes, a lot of times, people in your life fall away because they'll say, Well, you changed. Well, yeah, we're supposed to, right? And so I encourage you to take a minute, reflect on your values, on how you're showing up. Now, when I did this, I completely changed my life, but that's because that's what needed to happen. It might not look like that for everyone, and that's okay. Only you know. Only you know what resonates and what doesn't. Either way, I hope it helps. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

They said I never get this far. Now I'm dancing on the stars. Every scar battle cry, turn the music up and fly. Just hearts that move, stop, just be in the group.