Ep. 3: When Life Looks Amazing But Doesn't Feel Amazing

In episode 3, Cheryl gets honest about what it's like when your life looks perfect from the outside but doesn't feel that way, and traces that disconnect all the way back to childhood.

• Why "everything looked perfect" was never the same as everything being okay
• The boundary Cheryl set with her own parents, and why she doesn't regret it
• What happened when years of buried memories surfaced after becoming a mother
• Being hospitalized for mental health, and choosing to speak about it without shame
• The difference between being functional and being fulfilled
• Why joy and fulfillment are intrinsic, and can't come from even the most amazing people around you
• A reflection question on the fears and stigma we carry around mental health

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Welcome to Fire and Fairy Dust, The Long Way Back. When your life looks amazing, but doesn't feel amazing. One of the hardest things about me leaving my marriage was that nobody understood why. Even I didn't fully know why at the time. I just knew that it had to happen. But it was really hard because to the outside world, I had everything. Everything looked pretty much perfect at that time. I had my son, my husband, my home, my career, family, friends, everything that I was supposed to want according to those looking in from the outside. I'm not going to spend this episode or any episode tearing down other humans for what has happened in the past. That's not what this podcast is about. And I know that since 2023, I've changed and am nowhere near the same person. And I believe that's probably true for for many others as well. But what I will ask is this. What I will say is this. Would a mother who adores her child and had built a home, had a family and friends in their life, would she leave all that to move into a tiny one-bedroom apartment, walk away from the only family she knew or had at the time other than her son, and lose many friends in the process for no reason. The answer is no, she wouldn't. And that is all I will say about that. For a very long time, I was living on autopilot in my life. I was emotionally numb, not nearly as present as I wish I would have been. And now looking back, I know that like many others I met along my path, I was just trying to survive. Right? So many of us are are just trying to survive, just trying to get through it. I've shared a bit about my diagnosis of CPTSD and my mental health history, and I'm gonna share a bit more about that today. One of the most challenging parts of this, I think, is that I'm not actually able to go back to a time in my life before the trauma occurred. Because the trauma started pretty much at birth. And no, I'm not exaggerating. That's that's the truth. For many years, um I was hurt uh mostly by the people who were supposed to protect me and hurt, you know, in ways that no human should ever experience, but unfortunately, many humans do. And so I knew when I was growing up that my home didn't feel safe, but I didn't know or didn't realize, I guess, maybe had bear like buried the full impact of what had happened and what what it meant for me. But I've I always knew enough to know that I would never treat my child like that. I knew that if I was given the gift of being a mom, I would protect the child's life. And that the cycle would end with me. But that's all I really knew. And I I didn't go to therapy, I didn't receive support at any time, really, before you know, getting pregnant, maybe a little bit here and there, but not much because that makes people weak, right? Well, that's what I thought for most of my life anyway. But when I found out I was pregnant with my son, everything changed, and I realized, you know, now I am responsible for this tiny human that I, as I said, will protect with my life. And so I actually gave my parents the option to make amends, to, you know, talk about what they had done and possibly, you know, work through it together. And the big thing was, you know, to change the behavior. And, you know, if those things didn't happen, I made it very clear that they would not be in my child's life. And I wasn't, I wasn't fooling around. And they chose not to not only not change anything, but to not acknowledge that it happened at all. And so uh I walked away from my entire family uh to protect myself and my son. And yeah, yeah, you heard me, right? I I cut it off completely, and it may sound cruel, and I have faced backlash, and I also do not regret it for even one moment because children are so easily impacted and influenced to the point where even five minutes can do harm. And let's just say I knew what these humans were capable of in five minutes, and there's no way in hell it was going to happen to my child, and it hasn't, and it won't. So, why am I sharing this? I'm I started talking about, you know, how life looks from the outside. I'm sharing it because this was a pivotal time in my life, and because eventually it'll all tie together, just stay with me. Because after I gave birth to my son, all the memories that my brain had buried to allow me to live some type of normal life up to that point, if you want to call it normal, like I experienced many things as a teen and young adults that a lot, you know, probably were my own do own doing because I didn't have the skills that I needed, right? Um, but once I had my son, the floodgates opened because all of these memories that had been buried, they came, they surfaced. So I always knew things had been rough, but I didn't remember the extent. And those memories absolutely destroyed me. And I went from high-functioning, you know, doing the bridging program from diploma nursing to degree nursing, um, and being, you know, hospitalized for mental health. And that happened in weeks. So from high-functioning new mom in the middle of a degree program to hospitalized in weeks. Because as I was, you know, caring for my child, these memories would surface about the same types of things that I had experienced. And that's just sometimes how the brain brain works. Um, and yes, I said hospitalized. I'm not going to pretend that that part didn't happen. I'm not going to feel shame for the path that got me here. So if you have judgments about people who have had to be admitted for mental health or have been to treatment centers for support with CPTSD, I suggest you stop listening now because that part of my story isn't going anywhere. Throughout the episodes, uh, I will come back to this, I'm sure, but at this time, I think I want to focus on the anger that I felt towards the adults who were supposed to protect me. And the reason for that will make sense in just a minute. At the beginning of my therapy, I was angry at almost every adult that was in my life during my childhood. And I know it sounds strange, but I was angry because my teachers, any social workers that I had connected with, medical staff, they also didn't protect me. And I know that it's more complex than that, it's not as simple as that. But from the perspective of a child, it is that simple. Because I told them about my home life. Because I actually thought that was normal. So when they asked me what I did on the weekend, I shared openly because I didn't know at that time that not every household was like that. I actually didn't know that not every household was like that until high school. I knew it wasn't safe. I knew it didn't feel good, but I had assumed that most homes were like that. And so I remember telling these other adults about what was happening at home. And I actually wrote like stories and poems in school and had a teacher say to me, Hey Cheryl, can you just like change the wording on that so I don't have to worry about you? Yep. But here's the thing: when people went to my home and asked questions, because they did, some people did follow up. My parents knew exactly what to say. And so even if the person looking into it had some concerns on paper and from the outside, everything looked fine. Does that sound familiar? Everything looked fine, but it didn't feel fine. No, I'm not saying that my home life in my marriage was the same as my home life in my childhood because that is nowhere near being true. What I am saying is that there are so many layers to things behind closed doors, so many layers to every human and every human's experience that we will never see and never know. But we like to assume that we know. And I say we because I've done it too, and probably will going forward because I'm human and sometimes we do that because we're not ready to see what's actually happening. Sometimes people actually don't know what's happening, and sometimes people don't want to know or not ready to know because it's hard to look at. And so that had happened during my childhood, and here it was happening again as an adult, and the impact that had on me, the full impact of people not seeing it, of what was happening, it did a lot of damage, both historically and recently, because I was being told that everything was fine and amazing, but it didn't feel fine and amazing. So, yes, from the outside, everything in my marriage looked fine, but I was not fine. And as I shared in the previous episode, I had completely lost myself. I think it happened a lot over the years, but it worsened after my diagnosis and my treatment because I felt like damaged goods. And I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I'm just being honest. I had never crumbled like that in my life. I had always been like head up, face forward, plow through. Let's just get it done. But I could not function. And I was embarrassed and I was ashamed. And shame does a lot of damage, embarrassment does a lot of damage. Stigma about mental health does a lot of damage. And I, when it comes to mental health, despite having completed the nursing diploma program and being partway through the nursing degree program, knew very little about mental health. And it's embarrassing to say that, but it's the truth. So when I was able to work through it and finish my nursing degree and get back to work, I was just happy to be functional again. I was just happy to be able to do what I considered, you know, like contribute again. And I settled for functional for a really long time, but I felt so disconnected from everyone and everything, most of all myself. I was successful by like society's definitions, right? But I wasn't fulfilled. Something much deeper was missing, was non-existent at that point. The cost of me living my life that way was a lack of joy, lack of purpose, lack of passion, and not showing up the way that I wanted to show up for myself or for my child. I spent most of my time inside. I spent a lot of time just watching TV, not living life. I was not living. And I think a big part of the problem was that I had always looked outside of myself for that fulfillment and that joy. But no matter how amazing a person is, no matter how hard they try, other people cannot provide that for us. They're not supposed to. The joy and fulfillment that we are all entitled to in this lifetime is 100% intrinsic. That's one of the biggest things. If I can get anything through to you through this episode, it would be that. That's why we can be in a room full of people who love us and who are good to us and feel completely alone. Or we can experience what is supposed to be some of the most amazing, joyful times in our lives, and again be surrounded by the most amazing people and feel numb. So over the past three and a half years, I've really learned, especially, especially the past few months, that yes, my previous marriage had many flaws from both parties. Let me be very clear. The only angels in that situation were the actual angels beyond the veil. But as far as humans are concerned, both equally flawed, okay? And although that that part happened, this journey has actually been about me. It has been about the challenges and the growth that I needed to experience to bring me right here to this moment where I'm talking to you. Every single experience, every fear, every rejection, all of the tears, every scream, all of it has led me here to share what I have learned along the way. And I never thought I would say this, but I'm actually grateful for it. I didn't always see it that way. And many times I learned the lesson while kicking and screaming, and sometimes begging for it to stop, but I still learned. And here we are. Because let me tell you, the calm and empowered woman that is speaking right now, the one who can set boundaries and have conversations without becoming completely toxic myself, she did not always exist. It took years. And sometimes that unhealed version of me still shows up, right? And I try my best not to let her run the show, but I am human. And I will share those too. I am open, and although it feels vulnerable, I also know that it's my purpose. So I have a reflection question for you, something to just think about. What are your thoughts, stigmas, or fears regarding mental health or mental health treatment? And how have those impacted you and those who you love? And I ask that question because there's a lot of misconceptions about mental illness, there's a lot of fear, there's a lot of misinformation, and it does a lot of damage. And so until we sit with, what are what are my thoughts on this? And how does it impact me now? How would it impact those who I love if someone I loved did start to struggle or is struggling with this? And how can I help? What's preventing me from helping? I know that's a lot of questions. But they're important ones to ask because as I just shared, my previous thoughts and fears did a lot of damage. So I leave you with that. Thank you for listening.