Ep. 5: The Truth About Anger

What if most of what hurts us was never really about us at all? In this episode, Cheryl unpacks a perspective that initially made her furious: that other people's actions toward us are usually not personal. She's honest that when she first received this idea during a meditation, her response was anger, not enlightenment, and she explains why that resistance made complete sense.

Cheryl explores why choosing not to publicly name the people who've hurt her isn't about protecting them, it's about recognizing that everyone is on their own healing journey, including the version of her that has hurt others too. She digs into why letting go of anger requires surrendering control, why anger often masks deeper emotions like sadness, fear, and grief, and why staying angry, however powerful it feels in the moment, ultimately keeps us stuck.

This episode is an honest look at the difference between feeling anger and living in it, and an invitation to ask yourself what your own anger might actually be protecting you from feeling.

In This Episode:

• Why Cheryl chooses not to name or call out the people who've hurt her publicly
• The meditation "download" she initially rejected with anger
• Why believing something is personal is really about wanting control
• The difference between anger as a secondary emotion and what's underneath it
• Why staying angry can distort how you see yourself and the world
• The two reflection questions Cheryl asks about where you're still holding anger

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Hello. Welcome to Fire and Fairy Dust, a long way back. My name is Cheryl Apple, and today's episode is called The Truth About Anger, or at least the way I see it. As I started this journey, a few people have asked, you know, will I be speaking about specific people or events that have hurt me? Or if I'll be sharing names or details publicly. And when I say no, most have said, well, that makes sense. But some have said, well, why wouldn't you share it? If people don't want to look like jerks, then they shouldn't be jerks. And I suppose that's true to a point. But here are some of the reasons why I'm choosing to do this differently. Because I mean, I could do that, right? I could make a list of every person who I feel has hurt me in the past few years and then call them out publicly on what I believe happened. But I won't. Because the thing is, every single one of us has done something to hurt another human on more than one occasion. And I can 100% guarantee you that my name is on that very same people who hurt me list for other people. And I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth because I'm human. But I also know that I'm not the same person that I was even two weeks ago, let alone months or years ago. And if these people are on their healing journey and working hard to make change the way that I've been working hard to make change, and then I come along and shame them for the very things that they're trying to work through. And that is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do here. But I'll be honest, I did not always see things that way. In fact, I think that perspective is fairly new to me. But I've had some time, a lot of time, to work through it. And now I can share what I learned along the way. Now I am about to share something that might make you want to throw a shoe at my head. And I get it, but hear me out. What other people do to us is not personal. I know. But hear me out. It's not. It usually has nothing to do with us, or very little, anyway. Everyone's on their own journey, and each journey comes with its own lessons. Sometimes, if we don't learn the lesson like me, it has to repeat itself over and over and over. And each human is attempting to navigate those lessons the best that they can with the skills that they have at the time, myself included, in every moment, past, present, and future. I'm not saying that hurting others in any way is okay. Or that lying or manipulation or stealing or any way that you could hurt someone is okay. That's not what I'm saying, not even for a moment. And I'm not saying that you or I deserved any of the things that have been said or done to hurt us, just like the people who I've hurt didn't deserve that either. We are constantly teaching people how to treat us, right? By what we tolerate. So of course we don't allow ourselves to be treated poorly over and over and over again. That's unhealthy. And that has been part of my biggest lesson this past year. So I choose to focus on the one thing that I can control, which is my response. So I will now, because I've learned, I will set boundaries or I will remove people who hurt me from my life as needed. And I don't do it loudly. It's usually pretty quiet. Not because I'm afraid to speak up, but because it just doesn't need to be loud for me. But when I remove people from my life or I walk away from something that isn't aligned or someone that isn't aligned, that doesn't mean I don't wish them well on their journey. It just means they won't be a part of mine anymore. And I do that because that is the kind of human I want to be. Now that's a pretty evolved way of thinking, right? Pretty great. Yeah. Uh, but hold your horses because not only did it not come from me, but when I first heard this perspective, I completely rejected it. Let me explain. The idea that most of how others treat us is not personal came to me during a meditation, which is when I often receive like intuitive nudges or downloads, as they're often called. And I would love to say that my response to that information was as evolved as the information itself. But as I'm sure you've already guessed, it was not. It was not pretty. Because it sure as hell feels personal. And then I stopped meditating and I was not open to anything more for a while. I shut down. Can you imagine that though? Getting information from the same spirit team that has been guiding and protecting you since conception, and then shutting the conversation down. It's a bold move. But it actually just shows like how unprepared I was for the information. I wasn't ready to hear it. And then some time went by and I became more open to the idea, which I often do. I'll sometimes, you know, show my my very human and sometimes unhealed side with information like that when I'm given it during a meditation, and then I come back uh with my tail between my legs and you know listen for more information. And so I did. That's what I did, you know, like I usually do. Um and here's what I here's what I learned. It makes sense, right? Each person is on their own journey, and most of what others' actions toward us like is not personal. And it is then used for us at a later time to add purpose and lessons on our own journey. And honestly, I really wish I had known this sooner. I wish I had known this or embraced this idea years ago before I spent so much time being angry. Because the moment I became more open to that idea, and the more I embraced it, the more relief I felt. It felt like a ton of bricks had just been dumped off my chest and my shoulders. It felt like I could breathe, it felt like I could move, I had more energy, and I was finally like looking toward what was to come with excitement as opposed to staying right where I was. It was freeing, and it did feel and does feel absolutely glorious, and so I started thinking, why would I resist that at first? Right? It doesn't seem to make sense, it's very strange. Why would I resist that when it actually really could have provided so much relief so much sooner? The simple answer, I think, is I wasn't ready, but I think it goes a lot deeper than that. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way. But what I think is when we embrace the idea that most of what is happening isn't actually personal, not all, but most, no matter how much it feels like it is, that thought pattern requires us to give up control. Because if you think about it, if what someone did or said to hurt me was personal, then the issue's with me. Which means I get to decide what needs to be changed, when it needs to be changed, how it changes, if it changes. I can change the issue, control it, and fix it to make sure it never happens again as I see fit. Because as humans, we love to control and fix things. That's what we do. But embracing the idea that some of those things can happen and have nothing to do with you or me or our character is kind of terrifying and leaves a lot up to chance. But that's where the surrender comes in. Now, I'm not saying we never have anything to do with things going wrong in our lives. Sometimes often we are our own worst enemy. And of course, we're always growing and trying to see how we played a role in things and trying to learn from what has happened. I think most of us can agree on that. But the perspective, you know, that I'm sharing with you can also require us to have a bit of compassion for the people who hurt us and the journey that they have been on and are currently on. And that takes a long time to be in a space to be able to do that, and that's okay. And some people never get there, and that's also okay. Because compassion is a whole other, that's a whole other episode. But mostly the and the this is the hardest part, I think, that you know made it difficult for me to embrace this information the first time I heard it. It re it would require me, it would have required me, did require me to release the anger. And that was a whole different level of healing that I have now been through, but at that first time was not anywhere near ready to approach. I think we often resist this part longer, the letting go of the anger, because anger on its own can make us feel powerful, at least for a while. Think about it. If we were to use the example of a mother who, you know, just found out that someone did something hurtful to their child, think about the power and the force that most women can show up with during those moments. Anger can take a person from, I'm done, I can't do this, to I will be breathe fire to anyone who comes my way in order to protect to protect who I love in seconds. But in those situations, it's not usually the healed version of us that's running the show, and that's the problem. Because once something comes out of our mouth, we can't take it back. And so the problem there is healing, if healing is the long-term goal, then holding on to anger can absolutely prevent that healing from taking place, I believe. And when I say holding on, I mean holding on for a very long time. And I'll explain that a bit more later. But the thing is that releasing that anger requires us to acknowledge all of the emotions that the anger was masking. Because all of the emotions that had jumbled themselves into a ball and were and were so strong and powerful that we didn't know what to call them. So we called it anger, they now need to be addressed because we've released the anger. Because anger is often a secondary emotion. And if you look underneath that, the primary or actual emotions are feelings like sadness, fear, grief, confusion, disappointment, and the less goes on. But the underlying emotions, they don't give us that fire or powerful feeling that anger gives us. In fact, they often make us feel the exact opposite. Sadness and grief can have a person in bed for days and feeling like there's no end in sight. It makes us feel weak. It makes us feel vulnerable, even though we are neither of those things. But as a human who has previously resisted feeling that way, feeling those two things is no joke. So, of course, you know, we choose, I chose the emotion that temporarily made me feel powerful. But the problem is staying in that anger will completely destroy you. It completely destroyed me. It kept me stuck, it distorted my thinking about myself and the world around me. And it allowed the unhealed version of me to run the show, which meant that I was being held back from where I was supposed to go and the growth I was supposed to be experiencing. It will feed the idea that the world is against you and that you have always been and will always be a victim, and that is just not true. And I know it because I lived it. I'm not saying I never get angry, and I'm not saying that anger is bad. Of course I get angry. It's a human emotion, and I just literally shared about how I was angry for a very long time, and I still get angry because all of our emotions have a place and a purpose, and it's important that we allow ourselves to feel those emotions as they come up. We don't just want to dismiss them, but we also don't want to unpack and live there, and that's where it gets tricky. For me, the end goal is and always will be to release the pain that the experience brought and keep the lessons that it taught me. And that process, it's a slow one. It's a process that it can't be forced, it can take time. And it's okay to let it take time and show yourself grace through the process. And so I am asking you to take a minute and reflect. Where in your life are you still holding anger? And how is it helping you? And then answer this next question where in your life are you still holding anger? And how is it hurting you? Because the unpacking and living in anger, the only one it's hurting is you. And I know that as I'm saying this, it sounds easy, and I also know that it is not, and it's okay that it's not. I'm simply sharing what I learned, and I'm sharing the information that I wish I had a really long time ago. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

Turn the music up and fly.